My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
