One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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