Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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