bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
