They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
