my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
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look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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