Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
