dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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