Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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