false alarm. still invincible.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
