brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
