ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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