How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
