and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
