My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
