just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
