I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
