There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
