we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
