Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
