1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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