At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
