Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
