I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
