Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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