Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
