i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
