I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
