I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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