I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
