I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
