I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
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Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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