ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
