Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
