Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
