just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
