Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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