i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
