I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
