there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
