My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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