the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
