So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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