and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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