so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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