my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
