New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So many bounce houses so little time
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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