you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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