At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
