she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
