i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
