the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
