he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
apparently the secret to your success is patron
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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