All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
pray to the hookup gods
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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