Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
operation have a gay friend backfired
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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