here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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