So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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