I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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