as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
