I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
