Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
